How do I get over being unwanted

Goodbye with decency - get over breakups

It's always unpleasant when a relationship ends or a marriage ends in divorce. With every separation, the partners also say goodbye to an episode in their life, which in turn consisted of many stories. Common plans are moved from the land of the future to that of memories, and everyday life is also given a completely different face.

Leaving or being abandoned by your partner hurts and can throw your whole life off balance. Often, however, the acute organizational and economic hardships during the separation period or directly after the separation or divorce hardly leave any space for the emotional processing of what has happened. Separation pain, grief, anger, old fear and new longing are therefore often only felt in their full strength when the worst seems to have already been overcome.

However, in order to be able to start over after a breakup, it is important to have come to terms with the old relationship and the ex-partner. Love after love - that means first of all returning to inner peace and emotional stability and arriving and finding your way in the new phase of life without a steady partner. So it's about a new beginning with yourself, about accepting the changed relationship status and a conclusion that you can live with and after which you can build something new again.

The look and advice of an experienced outsider as well as the feeling of not being alone can help to see the way more clearly in painful separation situations and to make important decisions with greater self-confidence. Marriage and couple counseling is therefore not only useful for people who want to solve problems in an existing partnership, but also for everyone who is suffering from a separation or divorce and is looking for ways to get over their bad experiences and come back with the future Hope and joy to look forward to.

Breaking up is hard work with uncertain pay
It is a complicated and difficult task to keep the necessary clear head for work and everyday life in the event of a separation or divorce and still take your feelings seriously and also listen to your inner voice. All changes, both desirable and undesirable, not only have to be somehow overcome, but accepted and mastered. However, this does not work from one day to the next, but is a process in many steps that is different for each person.

When a separation begins, how long it lasts, how those involved deal with it and when (or whether) they want to enter into a relationship again afterwards, ultimately results from countless individual factors, situations and developments. Among other things, it depends on how closely connected the couple was before, i.e. on the depth, scope and duration of the partnership.

The turning point is particularly clear when one household becomes two again and possible questions of custody and residence for children need to be clarified. In addition, it can cost a lot of money to consistently abandon long-term and intertwined common paths: moves and transition periods, for example due to professional reorientation, often lead to larger financial gaps and an at least temporarily falling standard of living. This, in turn, can add to the feelings of shame and guilt that almost everyone suffers after a relationship has broken down.

Many would like to hide in a corner after the breakup and lick their wounds. Some jump into work or love affairs for distraction and reassurance. In fact, both can be helpful, the temporary social or emotional (self-) isolation as well as the carrying out and channeling of the passions. However, these are not permanent solutions, and only later will those affected know whether and how their behavior during this time has helped them.

Do not rush into new partnerships
As unconventional as it may sound: Anyone who has not yet overcome the separation and longs for closeness and tenderness is usually better off with a relaxed, friendly or a purely sexually motivated relationship than with a new solid partnership. The danger is too great of consciously or unconsciously burdening the new partner with the unresolved conflicts with the ex-partner or continuing them with him. The restart does not do justice to any of the parties involved and therefore has little future prospects.

The famous “sex with the ex” is also strongly discouraged, at least during the first year after the separation, no matter how necessary or tempting such an action may seem. The experience of many generations teaches that the calculations associated with it do not work out - or in a completely different way than planned, which can be even more confusing and worse.

When the waves have smoothed out and everyone has arrived in their new living environment, it pays off to give new feelings and thoughts space and time. Then looking ahead is no longer blocked with emotional legacies, but rather particularly attractive against the background of new experiences. If two people meet who both have already experienced one or more severe breakups, they will find their new happiness to be particularly precious. You want to handle it carefully, give it space to grow, not endanger it with past shadows and still find space in it with all its scars, corners and edges.

Many therefore see the beginning of love after love as the right time for psychological couple counseling or partner therapy. Discussions together can prevent old mistakes and injuries from repeating themselves and encourage the setting off for new shores.


See also my articles:

Separation and divorce without a war of roses? A guide to a forgiving end of a relationship

If there is separation, then at least fair